Friday, May 1, 2009

system down, so let's have a joke fest

Stinking internet conked out at our house Thursday darnitall. The rather unpleasant youth at tech support schedules us for a repair guy MONDAY. HELL AND DAMNATION, everybody knows I needs my internets! I am at the library, and will try to visit here and email once or twice this weekend if I can.

IN THE MEANTIME, ya'll run things. Remember joke fest last year????? We had well over 100 jokes submitted by YOU.
Let's do it again. Submit your joke until I close submissions at noon eastern standard US time on Monday. I shall pick a winner Monday at 6pm from the many entries, a glorious blue piggy mug (below pic, right) by me, mailed to you in the US. Randomly drawn, one entry only per commenter and you have to tell me your name and mailing address if you win.

FINALLY---your joke MUST be family friendly or I will erase it and remove your entry. It must be a joke you could share with a ten year old, OK? (yes, you can push the envelope if you are clever)

So, how many lightbulbs does it take to screw in a psychologist?

(UPDATE: the supervisor dude called to say that the unhelpful youth from tech last night made a MiSTAKE and he walked me through a reload of some sort and we are CONNECTED, but heck this is FUN FUN FUUUUUUUUUUUUN so get your joke in now!)

(piggy mugs etc by Gary Rith)


Nancy L.K. Boyce said...

This one is from Wilson:
Did you know Davey Crockett had 3 ears?

A right ear, a left ear and a wild front ear!

Kimberly said...

A lawyer and a cowboy are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that cowboys are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy...

So the lawyer asks if the cowboy would like to play a fun game. The cowboy is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 you ask me
one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.

This catches the cowboy's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?' The cowboy doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the cow boy's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.. He sends
e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the cowboy and hands him $500.

The cowboy pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.He wakes the cowboy up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?'

The cowboy reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

red dirt mule said...

arrrghhhhh !!!! i'm pathetic at jokes. okay. here's one in my mangled mule form that the guitar teacher told us:

A robber watched as the family of a BIG house loaded up the family car and left on vacation. That night the burglar silently broke into the home and immediately made his way upstairs to the lady of the house's closet.

Yes, there he found her jewelry safe and wiped her clean of all her jewels. Slipping back down the stairs, the burglar decided to check the study for a similar safe.

As he snuck down the hall, a voice eerily said, "Jesus is WATCHING you ..." "Jesus is WATCHING you!" The burglar flipped on his flashlight, pointing it all around. "Who's that ??!!" he demanded, just as his flashlight spied a birdcage. The burglar walked up to the cage and in it sat a parrot. "Jesus is WATCHING you," said the parrot. "Who ARE YOU," demanded the burglar. The parrot responded, "I'm God."

"Well what kind of family would name a parrot, GOD ??!!" exclaimed the burglar.

"The same kind of family that named a rottweiler, Jesus ..." responded the parrot. "And he's right behind you, see ?"


Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

awesome start! got the web back, yippee! LUCKY ME! but let's have a joke fest anyway!

g said...

My favorite family-friendly joke:

What did the boy mushroom say to the girl mushroom?

"I'm a fun guy."

J said...

Here ya go:

A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911.
The operator asked him where he was and the man replied, “I’m on Sycamore Drive.”
“How do you spell that?” the operator asked.
“S-i-c-k…” the man began. “No, s-i-c-a…..” no, s-i-k-a…. oh heck, let me drag him over to Lake street and I’ll call you back.”

Lynda said...

Did you hear about the girl that went fishing with 5 guys and came back with a big red snapper?


fiwa said...

Oh goodie!! Here's mine:

A grasshopper hopped into a bar and the bartender said "Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?" "Really, said the grasshopper? You've got a drink named Steve?" Teehee... silly, I know. But it's clean!

Send up some good thoughts for me and my hubby if you would today. He's going in for another heart test later this morning.


a m dohan said...

So this isn't a joke, it's a true story, but it's funny (at least, I think so).
We are sitting in a restaurant, waiting for our food (which is taking a REALLY long time, but that is a different story), and my son, who is just learning to read, is getting bored. It is a small place, so I tell him he go wander around a little, but not to go too far. He comes back, and I ask him "Did you find anything interesting?" He says, "Nope, just a sign that says *emperors only*." We get a good (polite) laugh out of that and he goes back to check that he read it right. When he returns, he says "Maybe it says *elephants only*."
This has become a family joke, and always makes me laugh.

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

Oh my, employees only!

Lynda said...

A young woman went to a doctor and told him, "You have to help me. I hurt all over."

"What do you mean?" asked the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow! That hurts."

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."

Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even that hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why, yes, " she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."

Lynda said...

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You'd be drinking fast if you had what I have."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "Two dollars."

Farmer*swife said...

YAY! I'll post about this at my place!!!

Lynda said...

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?

The blonde guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr,gerrrrr, Kiiinnnggg."

Farmer*swife said...

U'r up at my place! I hope we see some new faces playing this round!!! Soooo glad you have internet; waiting till Monday? Whatever would we do, without YOU????

Sojourner said...

Three legged dog walks through the swinging doors at the local saloon, stands in the middle of the room and shouts out "who shot my paw?!"

I know bad joke.

Linda Starr said...

I just broke a piece of pottery that I was so proud of. I can't think of a joke right now, but this is just what I needed - to read a few jokes here. thx.

Jennybean said...

Do you know how to catch an elephant?


Well... first you dig a big hole. Then you gather some firewood and light a fire in the bottom of the hole. Let it burn down until there is nothing left but ashes.

Next, you get some peas and put them in a circle around the rim of the hole.

When the elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash-hole!

Aunt Jackie said...

I love those cups!!! Such personality!

Aunt Jackie said...

Sorry... Mugs.

Susan as herself said...

I can NEVER remember jokes. But I LOVE reading them!!!!

Prohomemaker.Com said...

Kirstie Alley is so fat. She wore a yellow dress, and 20 schoolchildren tried to board her.

(Twist on an old Jona Rivers joke)

Prohomemaker.Com said...

Now a great Sophie Tucker/Bette Midler joke:

On my 40th birthday, my boyfriend Ernie gave me a headstone that read: "Here Lies Soph -- Cold as Usual."

So on his birthday, I got one for him: "Here Lies Ernie -- Stiff at Last"

(I know -- delete) :-)

kate et Jim said...

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get ome spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

Oh, these are terrific!
The envelope is definately being pushed....

Hilary said...

Here's a pig joke.. pasted in from elsewhere.. and suitable for a kidlet.

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.

The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I want the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later, the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

potterboy said...

Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you've got for christmas

Luke: Nooooooooo... hoooooowwwww?

Darth Vader: I felt your presents.

Very old I know but still one of my favourites.

cookingwithgas said...

a man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt and says to the bartender,
" I'll have one for me and one for the road."

Lynda said...

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough…

Lynda said...

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

funny, we actually have two space pens!

Gary said...

A guy walks into a bar.


Farmer*swife said...

I wanna' play but I can't think of any jokes right now!!! Now fair [racking' brain].

Miss Heather said...

What did the hippie pen say to the hippie paper?

Write on, dude...

(Lame, I know... but ALL my jokes are dirty!!!)

Emily SIL said...

Q-What has four wheels and flies?
A-A garbage truck!

Emily SIL said...

Q-What do you get when you cross an overweight golfer with a very tight pair of pants?

A-A hole in one!

soubriquet said...

The Americans developed the space pen for 20 billion etc...
And the Russians used a 1 dollar pencil....
Ever wonder what it cost them to develop their space-pencil-sharpener?
My friend Oleg worked in the Soviet program in Baikonur, and he tells me the first prototype weighed as much as two tractors.
See, the problem was, that when a cosmonaut tried to sharpen his pencil with a knife, he couldn't because the *****s at the airport he'd flown to Baikonur cosmodrome from had confiscated his little pocketknife in case he used it in space to take himself hostage. And when he tried to use a normal little pencil-sharpener like schoolkids would use, he just rotated helplessly in his capsule. When he'd braced himself enough to stop spinning, he could sharpen, but flakes of wood and graphite crumbs floated throughout his extra-terrestrial craft; graphite is a good electrical conductor, the powder bridged contacts in the computer, and the fine wood blocked a locking pin from re-engaging on his helmet air-hose.
The Soviets never officially spoke of the reasons for the failed re-entry, but the crater the capsule made can still be seen on google earth.
Since then, the Soviets bought Fisher Space-pens by mail order from Sears.
It was simpler.
But if you look at any Soyuz capsule, you can see the rotating section of the nose cone, with the vacuum collection port, developed after that crash.

Michéle Hastings said...

why don't cannibals eat clowns?

...because they taste funny.

soubriquet said...

Potters do it in the mud.